High School of Erebor
by Majestic Big Biscuit
Summary: Modern AU, Erebor is a high school that has been taken over by evil forces. The company set out to reclaim it, with a little help from a baker who used to attend the school (O/C) Rated T for mild swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**My first fan fiction! Yay!**

**Read and review, reviews are appreciated, like a lot.**

Closing up the shop, I sighed. It was a slow day, it usually was on weekdays, especially Tuesdays. Generally, the only customers I got were high schoolers, mothers with the munchies and Michael, the one bloke in the early morning with his Labrador Retriever, Dexter. The patisserie I owned was located in the south eastern suburbs of The Shire. Well, that was the nickname for it, it was actually called Lynbrook. You may have heard of it. It's a day's drive by car from Lynbrook to the well renowned high school, Erebor.

I am proud to say that in my youth I once attended the marvellous school. The halls were full of happy and intelligent students, scurrying from one class to another, hoping not to miss a word their teacher said. The thirst for knowledge from each student was as large as the school itself. The library was the heart of the school, the pride and joy. Before, during and after school, it was always full of students and even teachers and staff members, reading, learning and teaching.

But that, I am sad to say, is where the fond memories end. In my last year at the school- which was supposed to be the happiest time of my life- Mr Walsh, the school principal fell too sick to run the school anymore. His spot was taken by the most ferocious, terrifying teacher-no, he wasn't even a teacher! He was the student protocol officer, Mr McDerrmot. It was near the end of the school year, when this happened. I did not stay a second longer than I had to.

I heard stories from the poor souls who were not finished with their schooling of the terrifying rule the school was under. The horror filled tales of Mr McDerrmot fuelled the recurring nightmares over a year. I quickly lost contact with the whole school and everything to do with it, in fact I even moved out of Dale, the city surrounding it, to get away from the memories. My last few months at Erebor were now suppressed memories, for he place where cheer and knowledge used to thrive, now is a harborer of darkness and despair.

After leaving Erebor and Dale all together, I opened up my own cake shop in the suburbs. It has been 3 years since Erebor came under Mr McDerrmot's power, the summer nights warm and calm. Erebor was far from my mind, but that would all change the next day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, thanks for reading and stuff! Enjoy!**

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The day started off normal. 5:30 in the morning, I went down to the shop and opened it up. Turning on the oven, getting out the ingredients for the cupcakes, doing my usual cooking until it was time for opening. 6:30, switching the sign from 'Closed' to 'Open'. 6:35, Michael and Dexter show up; doggie treat for Dexter, coffee for Michael.

It was all going normally, boringly even, until he showed up. He had a long beard and bushy eyebrows. He looked very old, dressed in grey pants and long sleeved shirt. He walked up to the counter and looked at me as if sizing me up for something.

"Good morning," I greeted him.

"Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or that you feel good on this morning or that it is a morning to be good on?" He babbled.

"I guess I mean to wish you a good morning," I retorted to the nonsense "Because I certainly don't feel particularly good this morning, nor is this morning a good one and I suspect that you don't need to be reminded to be good every morning."

"Well, I wish a good morning to you also."

"Can I help you?" I asked, remembering that I was running a patisserie, not a sass shop.

"I believe you can actually. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure."

"You might want to see in the gym across the road, I just run a cake shop."

"Then it'll be very good for you. I shall inform the others." And with that, he turned and left before I could protest.

_Who was that guy? What adventure? Who are the others?_ I had a bad feeling about this, but I didn't know how bad it would really be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello readers! Thank you for reading! Keep doing that, seriously it makes me happy. And a happy writer is a good writer. If you were wondering, the door to her apartment is next to the. Shop, so it's kinda like 221B Baker Street, with the door and the shop next to it. Enjoy the latest instalment of High School Of Erebor!**

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Chapter 3

Just after closing up the shop, I walked up the stairs through the door next to my shop and to the small dingy room that I call home. Bookshelves line the walls, on the wall that faces out wards towards the street is a small window. The worn out couch faces the small television.

I switched it on to whatever channel it was last on and boiled the kettle. I opened the cupboard to see my choices of noodles in a cup. Chicken, chicken, chicken, beef, chicken, chicken, beef, chicken, beef, beef or chicken. I grabbed a chicken flavoured cup, I didn't feel like beef today. I sat down in front of the TV, and was about to eat when someone rang the doorbell.

_Who in Middle Earth could that be?_ I turned off the TV, ran down the stairs and opened the door. I was greeted by a balding man with dark hair. He seemed terribly familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Dwalin," he said with a bow "At your service."

"Yo-u-u mea-n-n Mr-" I stuttered "Mr Dwalin? The boys PE teacher at Erebor?!"

"Aye," he pushed his way past me and walked in. I quickly followed him, trying to suppress the horrible stories that came from my last month at Erebor. "Which way's the food?" He asked handing me his coat.

"I wasn't expecting vistors, sir." I explained. He didn't listen, he just sat down on the couch and proceeded to eat _my_ noodles! I was about to object when another ring from the doorbell. _Oh no_. The bad feeling that I had before when the old man from this morning left, had returned, and became worse. Something bad was happening, something unexpected.

I went down to the door. I opened the door and there stood an old man, not as old as the one from earlier in the day, but he still had a large beard and the air of someone with a lot of common sense and intelligence. Again, I felt like I knew him.

"Balin," he said bowing "At your service."

_Balin? Where had I heard that name before_? "Err, hi?" I said, unsure what kind of a joke this was. "Come in, I guess...?" I stepped aside and he went in. Well what would you do if strange men who you felt you knew knocked on your door and offered their service?

Balin walked in and Dwalin stood up to greet him "You've grown wider and shorter since we last met!" Dwalin exclaimed

"Wider, not shorter." Balin corrected him. The two men proceeded to tear apart my cupboards and pantry looking for "good quality food". As if my noodles aren't good quality, half of those were the expensive kind that you only get from the Asian shops! My thoughts were interrupted by _ANOTHER_ doorbell ringing. _What kind of a joke is this?_ I thought, mentally ripping out my hair.

I opened the door, pleading that the person on the other side was not another old man.

"Fili,"

"And Kili,"

"At your service!" They both said and bowed. Ok, a sexy joke apparently.

"At your service." I replied and bowed, instinctively remembering my manners, but forgetting to introduce myself, but I'm not sure it mattered. I'm not sure if it was because I had opened the door to strange men twice before that night, or the fact that they were incredibly handsome.

"Don't you remember us?" Fili asked. Remember them? They looked kinda like-wait what!? Fili and Kili?! The Year Nine brothers from my home room?! Well, they certainly weren't in Year Nine anymore.

"I remember you two!" I shouted after much thought.

"Good, because we most definitely remember you." Kili laughed. Fili blushed a little bit at his brother's statement, making Kili smile deviously.

There wasn't much difference in our ages. From a short calculation which I did as Fili and Kili joined Balin and Dwalin in raiding my pantry, Fili was 19 by now, a year older than he should be, as he was in Year Twelve. Kili was a year younger than him, 18, but was also in Year Twelve, unless either of them had been held down a year. I was 19, turning 20 in a month or so. In high school I was a year younger than everyone else, in Year Twelve I was 17.

The four men decided to rearrange my furniture. I tried to object but they just ignored me. Rude. All of a sudden, yep, you guessed it (gold star for you), another ring of the bloody doorbell. Suddenly I wished the doorbell didn't work.

I opened the door and had to jump back as fair number of people fell inside. Behind them stood the old man from earlier, smiling as though he hadn't just been the cause of my distress from the men in my pantry and lounge room.

Soon enough, there was a party going on in my house. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. They sung songs and threw food about, it felt like lunch in Erebor before Mr McDermott (which was always fun). Although, I did have to save Soup, my pet tortoise, from being used as a cushion on more than one occasion.

I found out everyone's names and why I felt like I knew them all. There was: Oin; Erebor's nurse, Gloin; my old maths teacher, Bifur; the head of the languages department, Bofur; the counsellor at Erebor, Bombur; one of the blokes at the canteen at Erebor, Ori and Nori; two more students at Erebor and Dori; a former student of Erebor. Balin was a librarian at Erebor, that's where I knew him from, but it was hard to keep track of them all, there were so many. After Erebor had been taken over, they moved to another school to continue their work; Erid Luin.

Then there was Bilbo, he was another -er- victim? He was in the same situation I was in a week or so before. The old man -whose name I found out to be Gandalf- had done this before apparently.

It was all going along happily, I was even enjoying myself at this unexpected party. When three loud knocks at the door silenced the laughter.

"He is here." Gandalf noted.

I opened the door and the man on the other side looked past me, into the apartment. "Gandalf," he said in a deep voice. God, why was his voice so sexy and deep? "You said it would be easy to find this place. I lost my way, twice."

"Jacklyn," Gandalf introduced "This is Thorin Oakenshield, the vice principal of Erebor."

"Ex- vice principal." Thorin corrected. "I left that hell hole of a place long ago."

"Ah yes, anyway. Thorin, this is Jacklyn Arnott, a former student at Erebor." _Wait, wait, wait! Since when did he know that I went to Erebor? And I don't recall giving him my name either._

"So," Thorin said absent mindedly, sizing me up with his eyes. It was different from the way Gandalf had done so earlier, Thorin was more judgemental. "This is the girl. Tell me, have you any skill outside the kitchen?" _Was that a sexist joke? I feel like that was supposed to be a sexist joke._

"I was on the debating team back at high school," I said, my mind desperately trying to find things that I'm good at. There wasn't much 'outside the kitchen' that came to mind. But in my defence, I was really good in the kitchen.

"I see, she looks more like a grocer than a burglar. Doesn't even look like a good cook either."

_Well __**excuse**__ me, Mr Ex-Vice Principal, your school didn't teach burglary, perhaps you'd like to take it up with the principal_. I would have said that, but I heard stories back in Erebor about people who sassed Mr Oakenshield. Even though he couldn't suspend me or anything, doesn't mean that he couldn't give me the famous death stare that he was so renowned for. I hated being on the receiving end of a glare.

He made himself comfortable and (_just after insulting my kitchen skills_) asked for food. The only thing left after the others ransacked my house for food was a single can of tomato soup. I had to make do with that, but it's not like I really cared what he ate. If I had a dog I'd probably serve him some dog food instead, but Soup mostly lived off of the leftovers from most of my meals that were deemed appropriate for tortoise consumption.

I served him his bloody soup (that was a nickname my friends and I gave tomato soup when we were in high school so we had an excuse to swear, we were full of those kinds of things.) and looked at him, waiting for an explanation for all of this. He just ignored me and continued eating the soup. I looked at Gandalf for an explanation, he looked at Thorin, who actually looked at me, but his expression was as if he had already explained it five times. If I was to get an explanation, I'm was not getting it from this guy.

Gandalf, as if sensing my thoughts, decided to finally explain. "You may be wondering why we are here, Jacklyn."

"I was also kinda wondering how you know my full name and what high school I went to," I retorted.

"Yes, well, this is about your old school, Erebor." Sneaky bastard, avoiding the question. "We have decided, that it is time."

"Oin has read the newsletters," Gloin said, "And the newsletters say, it is time."

"Students have been seen with dyed hair," Oin confirmed, "The legends said that when students with dyed hair come out of the school, the reign of Mr McDerrmot will end."

"That's what this is about?" I inquired "Mr McDerrmot?"

"Aye, that would be right lassie," Balin answered.

"We are planning to take back the school," Thorin finally spoke to me without insulting me.

"But to do that," Gandalf said "We need someone who knows of the school's inner workings."

"That's why we need one of the old students," Ori remarked.

"Yes, but why me?" I asked. There were plenty of other candidates for this mission, students with more recent memories of the school.

"We need a person," Gandalf answered "Who knows what is where in the school and who is who."

"Yes, but there are plenty of people who can do that better than I can,"

"But, Mr McDerrmot knows every student in the school, except the ones who finished school before he came to full power. So, while he knows the names and face of the students who finished a year after you, he does not know the names and faces of your class."

"But my class had nearly 200 people in it, why m-"

"Fili and Kili recommended you," Thorin interrupted "They said you were more than qualified for the job." I blushed a little at that. "Are you with us or not?" Thorin half-heartedly glared at me to answer the burning question. I looked at Fili and Kili, they looked back at me, their eyes full of hope. Saying no to Thorin would mean saying no to them, and how can you say no when Kili looks at you like a kicked puppy begging for a hug?

"Fine," I sighed. _How bad could it be?_ A lot worse than I thought at the time apparently.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! That is all.**

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I automatically woke up at 5:15 in the morning. No one else had stirred yet, the sun wasn't even up yet. It was part of my routine to wake up at that time of day as a baker. I sighed, turning on the kettle to make a cup of coffee. I had to figure out what Soup was going to do without me. I guess I had to drop him off at Shelly's place. As I took the first sip of my coffee, Kili kicked Fili in his sleep. He'd been doing it all night, he was quite restless, but this time Fili kicked back, and the both of them woke up.

"Morning," I said, looking down at my coffee, trying not to make eye contact.

"Geez, what are you doing up this early?" Kili asked, carefully stepping over Balin to get to the kitchen counter. I hadn't enough rooms for all of them, so most of the men slept on the floor, except for Thorin, who took the couch, and Gandalf, who I offered my bed.

"It's natural for me, I'm a baker." I quickly changed the subject "What did you say to Thorin? You said something, I want to know what it was."

"Well, he said he needed a former student from the school, so we said you were pretty good with that stuff." Fili replied sitting up. " You were the first and best to come to mind."

"What made me the best?" I asked. I knew what they meant though, everyday they would ask me where their subjects were. They were clueless (especially Kili) about getting around.

"You don't really need to be reminded," Kili replied "But these guys do."

Did he just break the fourth wall?

He just broke the fourth wall.

"You're not supposed to break the fourth wall Kili!" I yelled

"Sorry!" Kili apologised.

"You're not supposed to say anything about the fourth wall!" Fili countered

"We've screwed up! We've screwed up big time!" Kili started to pull on his hair.

"Ah! What do we do? What do we do?!" I shouted.

"Quick! Flashback!"

"Jacklyn~" Kili said, walking up to Jacklyn's table in home room.

Jacklyn sighed and put down the book she was reading. "What is it this time Kili?"

"Well, first off I have a double period of PE, then a double period of science and then after lunch, a double period of geography."

"And what do you expect me to do about it?"

"I don't know where to go." Kili looked down at his shoes, acting like an innocent year seven.

"You're in year eight Kili, you should at least know where to go for PE."

Kili looked up and shook his head. "Nope! Not one clue."

"I'm tired of telling you where to go, Kili."

"It's a big- Hey, what're you doing?" Jacklyn grabbed Kili's wrist and rolled up his sleeve. She took out a pen and began drawing a bunch of rectangles on Kili's wrist. When Jacklyn was done, she wrote in the rectangles.

"Huh?" Kili looked at his wrist "What's this?"

"A map of the school," Jacklyn put away her pen and sighed. "The rectangles are the different buildings and I wrote what subjects you have in each one of them." She returned to the book and payed no more attention to the boy staring at his wrist.

"That's pretty neat!" He smiled "How did you do that? You didn't need a real map or anything."

Jacklyn just grunted in response. She had no time to be late for classes because she got lost, and she didn't have the time to keep telling Kili where his classes were everyday either.

"So," Kili smiled "You know my time table, what have you got today?"

Jacklyn sighed and put down her book. There was no point in telling him to go away, he never did.

"Double home economics, single maths and English, then single science and Italian." Jacklyn sighed again, trying to make polite conversation.

"What do you do in home economics?"

"We cook on a double and learn about food and the techniques and all of that jazz in the singles."

"Interesting,"

"What do you think your other half is doing?" Jacklyn asked, noticing Fili's absence from his brother's side.

"Hitting on your friend," Kili grinned. Before Jacklyn could say anything back, the bell for the first period went. She stood up and waited outside where she always did, to wait for Michelle, her friend. Michelle made a habit of chatting up their home room teacher, Mr Ironfoot, during and after home room.

"Hey hermit crab," Jacklyn laughed at her strange friend, once she had decided to quit flapping her jaw with Mr Ironfoot.

"Quit calling me that," Michelle said, annoyed. "At least give me a nickname with dignity."

"Fine, Shelly." Jacklyn countered.

"Hey, you know that year eight, Fili?" Michelle changed the subject.

"Yeah, blonde hair, blue eyes." Jacklyn replied.

"He started hitting on me in home room today."

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**You were gonna kill me when I said that I would drop of my tortoise at 'Shelly's Place', weren't you? Hope you enjoyed the flashback, I broke the rules of writing by breaking the fourth wall. Is there even a fourth wall in books? Well there is now! What do you think about going third person for the flash back? Good? Bad? Review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello, I would like to thank each and everyone of you for reviewing and favouriting and stuff. So the list goes:**

_ChaosWithImagination _

_Abyss Prime _

_GregsMadHatter_

_myshka_

_RedHead13beUty (who didn't actually review or anything, she's a friend and I edited her first chapter of her fan fiction and did a little self advertising in the authors notes, so I kinda owe her one, it's Harry Potter if you decide to check it out)_

_and you too random guest anonymous person_

**I love you all, but not in the gross way, just I really appreciate you. Like a lot. So thanks. **

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It was 10 awkward minutes with Fili and Kili (and Soup) until anyone else woke up. Thorin was the first one to wake.

"Fili, Kili," he mumbled, his morning voice even deeper than his normal voice. "Wake up the others, we move out in half an hour."

"Yes uncle," they chorused.

"Uncle?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Kili smiled "Haven't you noticed?"

"Fili and Kili Oakenshield." Fili confirmed.

"Yeah," I replied "But I thought that was just a coincidence. You know, like all those people with the last name 'Nyuen' or 'Fernandes' or 'Smith' and all that."

"Yeah, but those are common names," Kili said "A name like 'Oakenshield' isn't that common among people these days."

"Neither is 'Arnott', but still, somewhere out there is a guy running a biscuit factory with my last name on it."

"I guess so," Fili agreed "Can't really blame you in that case."

"So, Thorin" I turned my attention to the grumpy man making himself a cup of coffee "Do you have a map?"

"What of it?" He snapped, the sleepiness wearing off.

"I'm just asking, I haven't exactly memorised the way to school."

"I do have a map, its just that," He mumbled. "I can't read it."

He handed me a large book, on it was labelled 'Mel-ways'. "What do you mean you can't read this?" I asked, flipping through pages and pages of maps of the roads and local area.

"We're actually from Darwin, we don't get those types of maps there." Fili informed me "We only actually came to Melbourne when Kili and I started high school."

"This is an old edition as well," I told them "Around 1989, it doesn't even have my place on it." I pointed to the empty spot on the map, where in the later editions, my shop is located.

"So you can read it?" Kili asked, peering over my shoulder with a confused look on his face.

"Not too well, my dad knows a lot about reading this stuff." I replied.

"Could we go and see him?" Fili asked without thinking.

"Can nobody else here read this?" I asked, looking around. Nobody responded, they just shock their heads and went about waking up the others who were still asleep.

I sighed "You may not like him." I warned.

"If he can and will read it for us, we'll take all of the help we can get," Gandalf stated. Shit, where'd he come from?

"Fine, we'll go see him to help read it. If it doesn't take up too much of your time, Mr Oakenshield."

Thorin just grunted in response. Rude. It was an appropriate response though, I did not suspect that Thorin would like my father that much, and my suspicions were correct.

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** A/N: oh yeah, may have forgotten to say that this is set in Australia, I may have said it before, but I'm saying it again.**

** So, you may or may not have understood a few references in this chapter, so here is a few things that you may not understand, explained. **

**(I realise that around 20% are Australian, so you don't really need to read this next part)**

**"Arnott's biscuits" is a brand of biscuits in Australia, and I'm not sure if the rest of the world has them, but they are delicious. **

**"Mel-Ways" is a big book (around an inch thick and the size of an A4 excersize book) with lots of maps of the roads and houses of the general Melbourne area (Hence the 'Mel' part.) It comes in Sydney and Brisbane as far as I'm aware, but I'm not sure if it does anywhere else, so I just assumed it doesn't.**

**Darwin is at the top of Australia, Melbourne is at the bottom, near Tasmania.**

**If I missed anything tell me and I will explain.**

**(I think my notes take up more space than the actual story in this chapter, sorry)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello and welcome to the sixth instalment of High School of Erebor! I had my doubts on if I could finish this chapter on time, but you need not worry! Today is update Friday and here is the update. (There may be a bit of changes towards the end of the chapter because I'm still figuring out how to do the troll scene, so keep an eye out for any changes).**

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"So, you guys rented out a whole bus," I asked "To get to school."

"Yes," Thorin responded "Do you have a problem with it?" Does he hate me? I feel like he hates me for some reason. Why does he hate me?

"No, it just feels weird getting on a bus to go to school again."

"Deal with it. You can bring the tortoise, he might be helpful."

"He's as helpful as a rock." I raised an eyebrow.

"Rocks can be helpful," Fili pointed out.

I rolled my eyes and got on the bus with Soup in my arms. Dwalin took the wheel and I sat up the front to give him directions to my dad's work place. It was only a bit out of the way from Erebor. We were half way there by 4:30, when Fili and Kili moved up a few seats and sat themselves down opposite me. They were gonna ask a stupid question or one with an embarrassing answer.

"Hey, so what kind of music do you listen to?" Kili asked. Yep, stupid question.

"Why do you ask?" I replied.

"Fili and I made a few bets."

"I don't like the way you used a plural."

"Come on, give us an answer!" Fili insisted.

"Well, I listen to a lot of music. Are you asking my favourite genre or just the stuff I listen to and actually enjoy?"

"Favourite band," They chorused.

"Disturbed," I sighed. I was always into rock because of my dad, but I never really got into metal until my brothers wiped my iPod and replaced all the songs. What sucked the most is that I couldn't be mad at them because I started to like the music more and more.

Fili handed Kili a five dollar note.

"Asian or European food?" Kili asked with a big grin.

"Asian." Kili's grin disappeared as he handed the note back to Fili. It was kind of funny to see, so I decided to make a game out of it.

"Apple or Mac?" Fili inquired.

"They're the same thing."

Fili handed the note back to Kili. Did Fili bet that I didn't know the difference? Oh no he didn't. He's gonna pay for that one, literally. Screw the game.

"The Walking Dead or Bleach?" Kili asked this time.

"Tv show VS anime, or comic VS manga?" I responded.

Fili pulled a ten dollar note out of his pocket this time. Double points. Serves him right for thinking I was technologically handicapped.

"Slippery When Wet or Appetite For Destruction?" Fili asked this time.

"How'd you know?"

"The CDs were on the shelves with the books. You have a weirdly large collection of murder mysteries."

"It intrigues me," I stated.

"How so?"

"The way the murderer-"

"What does your father do for a living?" Thorin cut in. He's rude. Did I mention he's rude? He is.

"He eats, drinks and sleeps enough to maintain his current status as living." I remarked. If he was going to cut into a conversation, he will get the sass.

"You know what I meant. Don't be a smart ass." He glared at me. _Oops_. Bad idea- _VERY BAD IDEA_. I've heard of his famous death stare, but all the stories in the world could not have prepared me for it. I couldn't even look him in the eye. Or face. Or general direction.

"Sorry, sir." I looked at my shoes. What kind of a glare was that? That changed my whole attitude. No wonder he was the vice-principal, he probably just stared at the principal so much he got the job. If he was in a staring competition tornament, he would win in the blink of an eye. (I'm sorry, I'll go stand in the corner).

"Answer the question." I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head as he looked down at me. I could hear Fili and Kili giggling inside their heads.

"He's the head of R-" I was cut off as the bus malfunctioned. With a loud bang, the engine failed on us. Dwalin just managed to pull it off to the shoulder on the side of the road before it came to a complete stop.

"Great," Dwalin muttered a string of curses and got up to see what was wrong.

"Dwalin, we'll look after it tomorrow," Thorin commanded "It's too late to do much now, it'll be dark out soon."

"You know Thorin," Gandalf said "If you would just call a lawyer, it could be a lot easier with their help."

"Lawyers?" Thorin spat "When my grandfather, Thror Walsh, fell too sick to run the school, what help came from the lawyers? When Erebor fell into Smaug McDermott's hands, what help came from them?"

"You are neither of them! I did not give you that map and key to the principal's office for you to hold onto the past!"

"I did not know they were yours to keep." Thorin retorted.

"Save me from the stubbornness of teachers!" Gandalf stormed off the bus.

"Where are you going?" Bilbo called out after him.

"To seek the company of the only one with sense around here!" Gandalf replied.

"And who's that?"

"Myself, Mr Baggins!" Bilbo looked quite taken aback.

"I guess it serves you right for asking if his cousin was a great man or more like him." I mentioned, thinking back to a bit earlier in the day. I had regained my wits after the Majestic Death Stare Of Thorin Oakenshield, (I felt like it needed a proper name, so I gave it one) and my natural instinct to be a smart ass had returned.

"Come on Bombur, we're hungry." Thorin ordered.

"So, we're sleeping in a bus?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Have a problem with it?"

"Just because I'm questioning it doesn't mean that I have a problem with it." I kicked back in the seat and got as comfortable as you could in a bus.


	7. Chapter 7

**'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's all this then? Skipping the troll scene? DISGRACEFUL! I know, I'm sorry guys, I skipped the troll scene. You try it, I couldn't think of a single way to put the troll scene in. I'm sorry, but if you had an idea, you could have tried to tell me. It's a miricale I was able to update today because of school and I may be updating late next week dude to internet complications. I'm sorry. ONWARD WITH THE STORY**

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I slept surprisingly comfortably on the bus, which was surprising because it was a bus. In the morning, Kili shook me awake.

"Hey, you know anything about fixing an engine?" He asked.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes "A little bit," I replied.

"Brilliant, you can help." It was no use objecting, he wouldn't listen and he'd still probably say that I had to help even if I didn't know anything. Kili was like this over sized man puppy thing that never takes no for an answer and always wants to play, even if it means breaking a few rules. It's not like he was a rebel by breaking the rules, he just didn't pay much attention to them. He was always enthusiastic and happy, even when he wasn't smiling, you could still feel him smiling on the inside.

Fili, on the other hand, was the one who always had to keep his brother on a leash. Well, usually. Sometimes Fili was Kili's partner in crime, often helping Kili get into trouble. Although in front of their uncle, Fili always had to be more responsible. He was more like a lion, he can and does screw around at times, but when needed, he can be a very affective worker.

I walked outside to see Dwalin with his hands in the engine, Bofur pointing out things and telling him what to do and Thorin supervising the two bickering men.

"Kili said you needed help, but I can see I'm not needed." I immediately turned to go back on the bus.

"Wait," Thorin commanded. I stopped in my tracks. "Do you know anything about engines?"

"A little." I answered, turning around to face him.

"Dwalin, Bofur, step back, let her take a look." Dwalin grumbled and stepped back. I looked at the engine. I had no idea where to start wondering what to think.

"Err, do you know what the problem is?" I asked looking over to Bofur. I had a few memories of him and his work. In my second year at the school (year eight), I became more aware of things that didn't even matter. I created problems for myself that I couldn't solve and wouldn't go away. Apparently, this affected my grades and all around behaviour, so I was required to see the school's counsellor, which happened to be Bofur. Instead of trying to convince me that the problems I created for myself weren't real, he helped me solve them.

"We think it's something to do with the radiator," He replied. "I recon it over heated. We've cooled it down, but the bus won't start."

I took another look, the radiator was cooled down again, like Bofur said. "Well, there's your problem," I reported. "It's the radiator hose." I stepped back and pointed at the broken hose. I guess The Walking Dead does teach you more stuff than zombie killing. "Got any duct tape?"

"Duct tape?" Dwalin raised an eyebrow "What good will duct tape do?"

"Haven't you ever seen Mythbusters?"

"So you plan to explode the bus?" Thorin smiled. Well, he smiled at me and he watches my favourite TV show. No comment.

"Tempting, but I don't want to walk all the way to school." I chuckled "It's a good 8 or 10 kilometres and I don't feel like doing another M.A.D Day walk." Bofur handed me the duct tape. M.A.D Day stood for Make A Difference Day, where everyone on the school had to walk 8 kilometres and get sponsorships for charity. Most people only did it for the sausage and drinks at the end when you got back to school, but I heard that when Mr McDermott took over, everyone still had to do it, but there were no drinks or sausages.

"Didn't you like it?" Thorin smirked.

"It was all fun and games for you, you could choose to do the walk or cook the sausages." I replied.

"I quite enjoyed it," Dwalin said "I ran the eight kilometres more than once each time. My record was three times."

"Ah, yes," Bofur smiled "I used to always be at one of the check points."

"The only parts I liked about it was that we got to wear our sports uniform and get out of those nasty skirts and tights and the tie and wear shorts and a t-shirt." I remarked "Then there was the food and the fact that we didn't have any classes that day and got to leave at 1:30."

"I remember a little year seven Leonis girl all pumped up and ready to run the whole thing." Thorin chuckled.

"If you are referring to me, just for the record that was the day I vowed never to get excited about physical exercise again."

"Then why did you become a cheerleader for the house athletics carnival every year?" Fili asked, suddenly appearing outside (followed as always by Kili).

"I could ask the same question," I retorted, biting of a strip of tape and starting to attempt patching up the radiator hose. "I did it so I could put down that I did extra curricular stuff for my scholarship application."

"We did it to support our house," Kili said with a grin. There were six houses in Erebor: Aquila, Columba, Delphinus, Leonis, Monoceros and Phoenix. There were eight home rooms in every house (for example mine was Le2, short for Leonis home room 2).

I finished up with the duct tape. "Try the engine now," I said. Dwalin made his way into the bus and turned on the engine. The bus roared to life. I shut the hood and we got in the bus. I plopped myself down on my seat. It was my seat now.

Kili and Fili sat down opposite me again. Deja freaking Vu.

"Is there anything you can't do?" Kili asked as the bus started to move along.

"A lot actually," I replied. "It's just been pure luck actually that this stuff is in my knowledge. I filed it under 'Useless Junk I May Need Later In Life'."

"So, what can't you do?"

"Well, for starters I can't draw. I suck at drawing. I can't even draw a lamp."

"Really?" Ori came into the conversation randomly. _Does everyone do that these days?_ "I can teach you a few things."

"Yeah," Fili said "Ori's a great artist."

"So I've heard," I replied "I was there on the arts evening a few years ago. I saw some of your works, they were great. Thanks for the offer, but I firmly believe that art cannot be taught, it must come from within and comes in many ways, shapes and forms and not just drawing."

"So your art is cupcakes?" Kili raised an eyebrow.

"No, that's just a hobby I turned into a career. I express myself by being a smart arse."

"I can see that," Thorin commented as he walked past us to get to Bilbo.

"Hey," I whispered to Fili and Kili "What's with your uncle and Bilbo?"

"Didn't you know?" Kili giggled "They're..." He giggled some more.

_Ooohhh_. "That's adorable," I joined Kili and giggled. It truly felt like I was going back to school, gossiping and giggling on the bus. I felt so nostalgic, I almost hated myself for being one of those guys who thrive off nostalgia. Then I realised, I hated them because they rub it in other people's faces saying that no one else but their generation would understand (looking at you 90's kids).

Fili elbowed Kili and he stopped his childish behaviour and looked at his older brother questioningly. I instinctively stopped as well and raised an eyebrow. Fili whispered something to Kili which I couldn't hear unless I wanted to look like a little, annoying, nosy shit. When Fili was done, Kili nodded and turned to me. _Oh boy._

Before he could say anything stupid, Dwalin came to the rescue. "Oi, Jack, is this it?" He called.

"Yeah, this is where he works." I replied. I looked at the building we had stopped in front of.

_Rivendell Law & Co._

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, I accidentally Bagginshield. I figured I'd follow the book more than the movie, since the trailer came out aaaaaand it seems like the next movie will be hard to write into this universe. So yeah, Modern AU High School Book With Some Parts Movie!Verse **

**P.S: Sorry for the confusion in changing the last bit and all, I tried writing the Orc chase but it sucked, so I figured I'd change the end part. **


	8. Chapter 8

**I told you it would be late. Blame my internet. Also, I was thinking about starting a collection of one shots based from your prompts, open to all fandoms in my description.**

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"You didn't tell me your father was a lawyer," Thorin said once we were off the bus and in the lobby.

"You never asked," I retorted. "And, if you may recall, Fili and Kili had asked and I was about to tell them when you yourself interrupted." That shut him up, but it didn't stop him from glaring at me. It isn't as affective as it used to be. "You know, if you don't want his help, you could just ask anybody else. Any random dude walking down the street."

"I'm not asking strangers for directions," I have no comment.

The receptionist looked up. "Ah, Jacklyn,"

"Hey, Lindir." I greeted the man with a hand shake.

"This isn't about your patisserie, is it?"

"No, I'm here to see my- Elrond."

"Elrond?" Thorin looked at me questioningly. "You did not tell me he was your fath-"

"He's as close as I got to one. Just leave it at that. I don't talk about my childhood often and I don't plan on saying more than I have to."

"Elrond is in the middle of speaking with someone." Lindir informed me.

"Who?" I asked. I had a hunch who it was though.

Before Lindir could answer, Elrond swiftly walked in, followed by Gandalf. _I bloody knew it._

"Jacklyn," Elrond smiled "It has been a while."

"Indeed." I replied, trying to muster up the air of a respected business owner. Not that I wasn't, its just that I wasn't. For some reason whenever I say I own a cupcake shop, people automatically assume that I'm all sunshine and lollipops and that I'm still a child inside. Then I call it a patisserie and people get confused and have to ask me what it is and think that I'm French and I'm all high and mighty and sophisticated (I can hardly even spell the word, let alone act like it). I need to get new acquaintances.

"So, what brings you here?"

"I need you to read something." I elbowed Thorin. It felt good to elbow him. I should have done that more often, but I'm pretty sure the only thing stopping him ripping my head off was the witnesses. Thorin held out the Mel-Ways to Elrond.

"This is old," Elrond said, pointing out the bleeding obvious.

"Yeah," I said "I've forgotten how to read the older versions. Can you?"

"Stand by they grey block when the bell rings," Elrond read aloud "And the late students with last bell the on Durin's Day will point you to the paper work."

"Did anyone understand that?" I asked, looking around the room. Nearly everybody else had the same expression as I did- confused.

"Kind of." Thorin answered, though his face gave nothing away about how confused he was.

"What is Durin's Day?" Elrond inquired.

"The first day of term two." Thorin explained "Durin was the founder of the school, he particularly liked term two because it was the end of autumn and the start of winter."

"Which blocks are grey?" Dori asked Ori, considering he was the last one there.

"All of them," he replied "Mr McDermott made it so there was hardly any colour in the school."

"Well that doesn't help." Dori sighed.

"But the map is old," Fili pointed up "Meaning that the writing is old and based off of what the school used to be like, instead of what it currently is like."

"You're right!" I said "Fili, you can see the obvious that others can't unless you point it out. Congratulations!"

"I'm detecting a hint of sarcasm." Kili grinned.

"What?" I responded "Me? Sarcastic and witty? Oh no, you've certainly got the wrong person."

"Jacklyn," Thorin said "You were the first of us to go to Erebor, so you've seen it in its earlier stages. Which building was grey?"

"Well, there wasn't really any any grey. If I recall correctly, the Aquila block was yellow, the Columba block was blue, the Phoenix, Monoceros and Delphinus block was red, purple and green, the Leonis blocks were burgundy, the art block was orange, the library was white-" I groaned "Too many colours. It's like a rainbow hippie vomited in a bunch of buildings and called it a school."

"Does the white count?" Kili asked "The library, it could have been grey."

"Kili, that's not how grey and white work." Thorin replied.

"Wait! That's it!" I exclaimed "The back of the library was grey as grey could get! And I know my shades of grey."

"Brilliant, so the back of the library it is. But, what were you doing there?"

"Well, there are no video cameras there, so you basically do anything."

"Is that all?" Elrond asked impatiently.

"Yeah, thanks." And so, armed with the knowledge of the map, we set off (re-joined by Gandalf) to reclaim Erebor.

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**I apologise yet again, there may not be a new chapter next week due to personal things and life being mean to me for no reason and other stuff that makes me BLERGH. ****Sorry**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey look it's you again! Sorry about last week, but now school has started, I'm back in the swing of things. No more rambling- here it is!**

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There were many roads that lead to dead ends and made you get lost on the way to school. If not for Gandalf, I don't think that we would have been able to find the right road.

The road leading us into the Misty Mountains, the large mountain range that separates the east and the west in the area. We had gotten halfway through the mountain road within a few hours.

The bus crossed a bridge and the road changed from tar into a bumpy stone road. The bush around us got thicker and thicker until eventually the road was cut off into a dead end. Lightning flashed in the corner of my eye. We were surrounded by trees and to make matters worse, it started to rain cats and dogs.

"Great," Dwalin slammed his fist on the steering wheel. "We can't do a U-turn and we can't just reverse back to the bridge."

"And now we're stuck in this storm," Ori sighed. Thunder clapped and I jumped out of my seat.

"Six" I said. "Two kilometres."

"Are we just stuck here until the rain stops?" Bilbo asked just as it started to hail.

"Looks like it," I replied. "Unless anyone has an umbrella."

"Nope, I didn't even bring a pocket hanky." That explains why he's been using a piece of fabric from Bofur's shirt. I sighed and felt a drop of water on my head.

"The roof is leaking," I stated, looking up, only to get another drop of water in my eye.

"Same over here," said Kili.

"And here," Gloin reported.

"Yeah, and over here too," Balin said.

"Ditto," Ori said.

"Ori, put the game away!" Dori told him off.

"Unless you have an Articuno, now is not the time for Pokémon, Ori!" Dwalin ordered.

"Fine," Ori sighed, throwing his DS out of the window.

"You know Pokémon?" I asked.

"Now is not the time for that!" Dwalin growled.

I took a look around the bus and the roof. Nearly everywhere the roof was leaking. Soon enough, the droplets turned into steady streams of water and it was nearly as bad as it was outside. The only thing we were protected from was the hail stones. I was thinking of what to say next, then it hit me. It being Ori's DS.

"Who threw that!?" I yelled, getting up off the floor and looking at the window where it came in from. I was about to yell something else when a rock crashed through the window and hit me again. Everyone rushed to the window. No one cared about me getting hit in the head with a rock or anything.

"This is no thunder storm," Balin said "It's a thunder-cage-fight-with-no-cage-because-there-are- no-cages-in-the-wild!"

"Why bless me, the legends are true," Bofur gasped in awe "Bears! Drop bears!"

"Nobody look at them!" I commanded "If you look at a drop bear you never live to tell the tale!"

"I thought that was a story Australians made up to scare the other countries!" Bilbo said, his eyes wide with reasonable fear, because if you are in the presence of a drop bear and you aren't scared, you are either braver than most or just plain idiotic.

"Actually we were trying to scare the Tasmanians," I replied.

"We have to get out of here!" Thorin said "If we don't drown in this bus or aren't struck by lightning, we will be killed by those drop bears! Fili, Kili, Jacklyn, you have the best eyesight, go see if you can find anywhere to seek refuge."

"I just got hit in the head with a rock, can I stay here?" I asked, rubbing my forehead.

"Just go before we get mixed up in that cage-fight-with-no-cage."

"Yes uncle," Fili and Kili chorused.

"Come on Jackie," Kili dragged me by my arm.

"Bilbo, look after Soup!" I called behind me.

"Alrighty, where should we start looking?" Fili asked, avoiding looking in the direction of the drop bears.

"I think there's an over hanging thingy mabob over there," Kili said, pointing out an over hanging thingy mabob. "Come on, lets check it out."

We ran to the over hanging thingy mabob and checked it out.

"Hey look," Kili said "It's actually a cave! Even better then an over hanging ledge thingy mabob."

"Check to the back," I ordered "If there's a drop-bear-cage-fight-with-no-cage going on over there, it might be occupied by them."

"What do southern drop bear caves look like?" Fili asked, walking to the back.

"You can tell by the bodies," I said.

"There's nothing here," Fili call out from the back.

"Righty-o," Kili grinned "Let's go tell the others." We ran back through the rain (avoiding the drop bear cage-fight-with-no-cage) and informed the others. The company ran through the rain to the cave. The rain was coming down heavily and by the time everyone had gotten to the cave, we were all soaked to the bone. Thorin looked like a wet dog, but even then, he still looked like a big, intimidating wet dog.

"Get some rest, we'll make tracks when the rain stops," Thorin barked. Meh, I've seen scarier dogs, I was commanding fully grown great dames when I was three. I put my bag and used it as a pillow. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the bag, but then I woke up when the bag started moving from underneath my head and I realised it was Soup. I looked around and saw that everybody else was asleep. I looked behind me to the shadows of the cave and saw the reflection of glasses looking right back at me.

"Wake up!" I shouted. "Get up!" We were swarmed and grabbed (I blame Fili for not looking hard enough), but not Gandalf. Gandalf had managed to flee by knocking a few of them unconscious, whereas the rest of us were dragged into the abyss.

The Gamers' Den.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello, what time is it? Time to thank everyone who reviewed, favourited and followed since last time! And so thank you:**

_ChaosWithImagination (again)_

_Abyss Prime_

_ EnixSkye_

_Idril Nenharma_

_blushingpixie_

**You're all awesome!**

****No gamers were harmed during the making of this chapter, except my brother, who was being mean.****

* * *

We were dragged and beaten with headphone cords and made to run in front of them (the whole ordeal was very un-dignifying). The dark passage ways were many and confusing, yet the gamers seemed to know their way. It seemed like we were running a marathon. Other gamers laughed at us from their computers and board games. We were brought into the main chamber of the gamers' den.

"Who would be so bold as to enter into my kingdom?" The- well, lets just call him the Great Gamer- scowled "Bullies? Mums? Hackers?"

"Teachers, your awesomeness," one of the gamers answered. Your awesomeness? These gamers ruined the words awesome and chivalrous for me in one statement.

"Teachers?"

"I'm not a teacher," I remarked. "I make-"

"Silence, peasant!" The Great Gamer yelled. _Peasant?_ Oh, they were definitely going down. "What business do you teachers have here?" The disgust was obvious in his tone, as if we were peasants.

I looked to Thorin and he looked back. I raised an eyebrow, asking for permission to deal with the gamers. Gamers were common in my time, but those were city gamers, these were mountain gamers. But I knew that all gamers are all like cats, they sleep and eat a lot, barley ever groom properly, are ugly, don't listen to authority and I'm allergic to them. Ok, maybe it's just cats that I'm allergic to and there are some cute gamers, but the rest is true.

Thorin gave a subtle nod (I can not stress how cool that nod was. It was all like 'you have my permission to be badass and save my arse', I love that nod) and I spoke. "You are a king?"

"Yes I am your king," he responded.

"Well I didn't vote for you," I smirked. The Great Gamer gasped. The gamers at their computers paused their games and whispered to each other through their headphones.

"Monty Python!" The Great Gamers stated wide-eyed. "She quoted Monty Python! She's a- a- _nerd._" His voice barley a whisper at the last word.

I looked at Thorin. These were mountain gamers, I honestly had no idea how they would react. Thorin didn't look so sure about the plan which he thought I had. He looked like he was going to take back his 'you have my permission to be badass' nod. I kept calm and made my face untraceable of any fear, which was hard because its natural to fear the unknown and boy did I not know what was coming. But if you show fear in front of gamers, they will eat you alive. Metaphorically of course, only drop bears eat people alive.

The Great Gamer laughed again. "You have no power here, nerd." _Shit_. "Beat them! Troll them! Dominate them and t-bag their bodies!"

The gamers surrounded us, but before anything bad could happen, a large flash of light blinded them. Everything seemed to go into slow motion and from the source of light, a voice came.

"Take up arms," The voice said. "Fight. Fight!" It was Gandalf.

"He holds the iPhone 5, bright as day light!" The Great Gamer shrieked. "Apple!"

"I love apples!" Fili smiled.

"Not the food, Fili," I yelled, finding my bag and picking it up. I grabbed an internet cable and whipped down three gamers at once. The rest of the company seemed to have no trouble knocking over the gamers, they were weak from lack of vitamin D.

"Only one thing will save us, daylight!" We followed Gandalf down a path and ran for it. Gandalf seemed to know the way and the proper way to deal with mountain gamers, which made me question his past. We fought our way through more and more gamers, popping out of no where. We could see the end of the path, out into the other side of the mountains. All was hopeful until the Great Gamer jumped out in front of us.

"You Apple fanboys think you can defeat me?" He smirked. "It'll take much more than an new iPhone to defeat me."

Gandalf pulled out the blue cable to the internet and threw the modem at the wall.

You read that right. _He went there_. Gandalf knows no boundaries.

"That'll do it," The Great Gamer said before falling face first on the ground. You'd think that Gandalf pulled the plug to his life support. I mean, internet is important but -seriously.

"Quick!" Gandalf boomed. We continued running out into the sunlight, where no gamer may go. We ran until we ran out of breath, which was quite a distance considering that most of the company were old men. It was only when I looked around that anyone noticed.

"I say, where's Bilbo?" I asked.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello there, as usual, read, review, favourite, follow and most importantly, enjoy!**

* * *

"Where is Bilbo?" Gandalf boomed "Where is our American?"

"He's American?" I said "Well that explains a lot."

Everyone looked around, looking for Bilbo, hoping that he was just being small and hard to find. Fili looked to the trees for some reason and Kili spun around as if he would find Bilbo running circles around them. Sometimes I wonder about those two.

Thorin was frantically looking for the short man. I felt kind of sorry for him, if I lost Soup I would be terrified. I remembered Soup. I looked through my bag. It had been emptied of everything and Soup wasn't there. I was filled with dread. I didn't mention it though, it didn't matter as much as finding Bilbo.

"I thought he was with Dori!"

"Well don't blame me!" Dori denied.

"Well where did you last see him?" Gandalf questioned.

"I saw him slip away," Nori said.

"When?"

"Soup- I mean Bilbo!" I exclaimed as Bilbo stepped out from behind the trees. In his hands, he carried Soup. "Soup!" He handed Soup to me and walked into the middle of the group. I sensed a speech, or at least a half-arsed explianation.

"Bilbo," Kili smiled.

"How on earth did you get past the gamers?" Fili asked.

"Well, I just slipped past them." Bilbo answered. "They don't often see things that aren't right in front of them unless it's a game."

"Or food." I clarified, carefully putting Soup into my bag because it was easier than carrying him around everywhere, especially now that we were walking the rest of the way until we could find another bus.

Thorin pulled Bilbo into a hug. It was like seeing a pit bull hug a chihuahua, except dogs don't hug other dogs. I swear I could hear Thorin say something along the lines of "You had me worried, I'm glad you're safe".

"Come on now," Gandalf pulled us to our senses "They will be after us for revenge for what I did to their internet. We must hurry, mountain gamers have an acute sense of smell. And will sense us for miles-"

"Kilometres," I corrected him.

"Yes, yes, kilometres. Now, we must use the remaining part of our daylight wisely. Come on, follow me. Oh yes and it's Thursday, it was Tuesday morning when you went into the gamers' cave. You tend to lose track of time in there."

We walked for what seemed to be an age before dusk came. I realised that I hadn't a meal since Monday night when Bilbo's stomach growled. There was no real soup in my bag, only a tortoise and everyone else had either left their bag on the bus or had it ransacked by the gamers as well.

I sighed and didn't complain. I was used to being hungry, you often do when you work with utterly delicious treats that you can't eat. You either get hungry or get sick of them. I got sick of the whole 'sweet thing' taste early in life. That's why I sell pies as well. Did I mention that I sell pie? I'll never get sick of pies.

I accidentally thought about pies and that got me hungry enough for my own stomach to roar and sing the song of its people. My tummy alone was going to give us away to the gamers. I punched my belly and willed it with my mind to shut up.

We walked on a bit into the night and then made camp when Gandalf deemed it far away enough from the gamers.

"This place should be safe-" Gandalf started, but was interrupted by a howl in the distance.

"Is that a wolf?" Bilbo asked. "Are there wolves out there?"

"God Bilbo, you really are American," I sighed "There aren't any wolves in Australia! That was no wolf. That, my little American, was a dingo."

"Out of the barbie," Thorin said.

"And into bon-fire," I finished.

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**See you next week! **

**PS- sorry about changing stuff again, I just realised that dingoes made a lot more sense than kangaroos, although this is somehow becoming a sort of crack fic, so in a sense, it could happen, I have read some really weird crack fics in my time, but no, I'm trying not to make this a full crack fic. Also a barbie is Aussie slang for a Barbeque, so it makes sense that a Barbaque (I have no idea how to spell it) replaces a frying pan. Yeah, sorry about that.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Yo, again. Just in case you haven't been here since last week and you read the last bit of the chapter as kangaroos, that was an accident, it was supposed to be dingoes. Dingoes, not kangaroos. Sorry about that.**

* * *

"Quick!" Gandalf commanded "Into the trees!" We all did as we were told and climbed the trees, as quick as you would go as if you just dropped the jar of vegemite and tried to catch it in mid-air, as you do when dingoes are coming to eat your face (and your baby).

Fili, Kili and I found a few low hanging branches on a gum tree and climbed it. Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin and Gloin found a pine tree, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur and Thorin were in another. Dwalin and Balin found a eucalyptus tree to swarm into. Gandalf, who was much better at climbing than I had suspected, climbed the biggest pine he could find. And Bilbo? Thorin, who was the lowest one on his tree grabbed his arm and swung him up onto the branch next to him.

_I could hear wedding bells~!_ Well, I would have been able to if it weren't for the dingoes. And the government (seriously Kevin, New Zealand did it, hurry up). But the dingoes were worse. _Well_, if the liberal party wins the next election I'm not too sure about which one would be worse, Tony as the Prime Minister or death by dingoes. Tony, definitely, Tony. (Don't be complaining that I'm talking about Australian politics, everyone else knows who Obama and Romney are.)

Just at that moment, the dingoes arrived. They sniffed out the trees that we were all in. It was just lucky that dingoes can't climb, but still, they were scary, especially in packs. And this pack was _huge_, it seemed like hundreds and hundreds of them were gathering on that night. They growled and barked at each other and even though no one (except Gandalf and I) understood, we all knew that they were plotting _evil_ things.

Gandalf and I were fortunate enough to understand the dingoes. I have no idea how Gandalf knew, but I was raised in the area, and anyone with good traditional parents knows these things. Don't look at me like that, everything kills you in Australia (especially in the south), you _need_ to know these things, unless you wish to die a painful death.

They spoke of the gamers. Gamers and dingoes often helped each other in wicked deeds. Gamers never strayed far from their dens, unless they are looking for better internet and games or are marching to war with rivals (which has not happened for a while (Yes it actually happened once (It was weird))(Don't look at me like that)).But sometimes they go on shopping trips (or as they call them 'raids') for games and food and even the odd convention. They often got the dingoes to man their dens and protect it from the mothers and in return, the gamers would give them the stuff they don't use/eat. Don't ask me what the dingoes do with that stuff, I don't know.

The dingoes were raging about how the gamers were late for their meeting. Some were still trying to jump up and get into the trees and try and murder us, when Gandalf had an idea. He grabbed a pine cone and light it on fire, then threw the it at the dingoes. It hit one square on the back and light it on fire. I'm pretty sure that's some kind of animal cruelty, but on that side of the mountains, no one really cared.

He did this, again and again, until many of the dingoes were yelping and running around in circles, looking for water. It was the moment, when we felt victorious against the wretched dingoes, that the gamers came. They laughed, for they were not afraid of fire and came up with a plan. They put out the fires expect for the ones closest to the trees we were in. Then, the gamers and dingoes grabbed all the fallen, dead leaves and sticks from the ground and gathered them around each of the trees. I had figured out what they were doing (having been to many bonfires in my youth), but judging by the confused looks on the company's faces, they hadn't.

"Oi!" I yelled to the tree with Thorin in it (well, there was no point in being sneaky when you were about to be burnt to death) "They're going to set fire to the trees!"

"What do we do?!" Fili yelled. "We can't just sit here and be burned alive, we'll be burned alive!" _Well thanks Captain Obvious!_

"Yeah," Kili agreed "And we'll die!" There weren't enough faces and palms in the world to face-palm how I felt. Does this company seriously need more than one Captain Obvious? I feel like their mother must be the biggest bad arse ever to have had to put up with them. (Note to self: Find out more about Fili and Kili's mother.)

Gandalf simply looked up, as if the solution would just drop out of the sky. Then, I saw them. The legendary giant wedge-tailed eagles dropping out of the sky! Our solution was dropping out of the sky! Kind of.

The eagles swept down into the trees and beat the flames with their wings. The smoke got in the gamers' eyes and they were blinded as the eagles picked us out of the tree and dropped us onto one another's backs.

I could tell that Bilbo wasn't one who fancied heights judging by how green his face went. I really hoped that he wouldn't vomit on the eagle, they don't appreciate that and it wouldn't have been very considerate of him. (Note to self #2: Find out why and how Bilbo got dragged along). I sighed and turned to look at the awesomeness of the morning sky, then I heard it.

Well, at least he had the decency to lean to the side a bit and aim for the ground.


	13. Chapter 13

**Sorry for the lack of update last week. There were a lot of things that happened and I don't think you want to hear all of my excuses. As an apology though, you may be getting another date this weekend (double update yay!) (keep in mind I said 'may', there is still a lot of stuff happening) Whatever. On with the story!**

* * *

_Yeah_, apparently vomiting on an eagle is not the most polite thing to do. Honestly, just right there and then they dropped us off. _Right there_. In the middle of nowhere. Well, lucky for us, Gandalf actually did know where they dropped us off. And it was where he had told the eagles to drop us off. It was just unfortunate timing that Bilbo vomited. Gandalf ruins every joke, he's nearly as bad as Thorin.

"So, you know what this nowhere place is," I said after the eagles flew away, looking at the huge rock, mountain-y thing that kinda looked like a bear that the eagles had dropped us off next to. "Where are we?"

"This," Gandalf gestured to the big rock mountain-y thing "_He_ calls it the Carrock."

"Who is _he_ and why does he call it the Carrock?" I asked.

"He called it the Carrock, because carrock is his word for it. He calls things like that carrocks, and this one is the Carrock because it is the only one near his home and he knows it well. He is a great man whom I am leading you to, now stop asking questions, for you will meet him soon enough. Now come along! Before it gets dark."

"The sun just rose." Bilbo said.

"Yes, yes, Mr. Baggins, stop pointing out the obvious." Gandalf said walking off. "Come along now, follow me."

"He's cranky," Bilbo murmured.

"What's got his jocks in a knot?" I muttered in response.

And so we walked. And walked._ And walked_. And walked some more. And we walked a little bit more until at around mid-afternoon we actually saw a few flowers. They had all grown as if they had been planted. There were kangaroo paws and golden wattles and royal bluebells and New South Wales waratahs and Sturt's desert roses and cook town orchids and pink heaths and even a few spider orchids. It was a pretty sight for my eyes before they watered up and I started getting hay-fever.

There was buzzing and dying throughout the air and through my tears of allergic reactions, I could see Bilbo's face all scared and whatnot. I could figure out that those were probably the bees causing the buzzing and the spiders causing the death.

"Um, Jacklyn," Bilbo said uneasily. "You're the one used to these things, what would happen if one bit me?"

"Oh, the spiders?" I replied, feeling like I was about to sneeze, but not actually sneezing. "_Death_, most likely. If we dont get medical attention within a few hours. I've played around with some of their venom in science classes before, really thick stuff. Funnel-web spiders have been known to kill people your size within 15 minutes. Oh and by the way, the nearest hospital should be around an hour away."

"Thanks for that," Bilbo said in a tone that revealed that he was not actually very thankful.

"We are getting near," stated Gandalf "We are on the edge of his spider and bee-pastures."

"What kind of guy keeps spiders _and_ bees?" Kili asked no on in particular.

"A crazed scientist who likes honey." I responded. Fili chuckled.

We came to a hedge that you could neither see over nor climb through. Gandalf stopped and said "You are to wait here until I give a signal. Come in pairs, five minutes or so between each pair. Come along now Mr. Baggins." And with that, Gandalf took the hobbit and left us alone.


	14. Chapter 14

**As promised, double update.**

* * *

My eyes had mostly unwatered and I stopped sneezing by the time we heard the whistle that was the signal. My eczema was another thing though and that wouldn't go down for a while, I knew from experience. It was decided that Thorin and I would go first. We walked down the path that Gandalf and Bilbo had gone down.

We came to where they were sitting with the man whom Gandalf was speaking of. I did not really recognise him until he spoke. "One or three you meant, I see!" And that's when I knew that I knew him. It was Old Man Beorn.

There were tales that were told in the milk-bar after school when students would wait for their parents or bus to come and pick them up. Stories, gossip, old hag tales, whatever you call them. The Tale of Beorn the Shapeshifter was one of the best known stories. It was usually the first tale you would hear when you came to the school. Every year seven knows it by the end of the year. School legend has it that he was taller than any man alive with thick black hair and a beard. They said his arms were as thick as gum tree trunks, and that he could decapitate a horse with his thighs. But the part they knew him best for was the fact that he could talk to animals, understand them, and legend had it that he could even turn into one.

Although, which animal was uncertain, that was the starter for many arguments during my time. But it was all a joke, everyone knew that. It was unreasonable that someone could actually turn into an animal, but there was always one idiot that fully believed the whole story. The idiot in my year level who believed it was named David and he was the go-to guy for all of the weird conspiracies about Beorn. David thought that he shapeshifted into a bear and held meetings with other bears.

I would have laughed at David like everyone else, but he was actually one of my friends. David was a smart kid, contrary to popular belief and he was right about what he said about Beorn, I could tell from just looking at him and standing in his presence. David may have been the ringleader in gossip about Beorn, but no one at the school had actually seen him. David ain't got shit on me now.

"Thorin Oakenshield, at your service," Thorin said bowing and making me come back to my senses.

"Jacklyn Arnott, at your service," I followed, bowing as well.

"I don't need your service, but I expect you need mine," Beorn responded. "Go on with this story of yours Gandalf."

"Ah yes, so we took refuge in a cave, Mr. Baggins and several of our companions…" Gandalf continued.

"You call two several?" Beorn interrupted.

"Actually, there are more than two, they just don't seem to have all come when I whistled."

"Go on then, it seems that I am already in for a party, one or two more won't make much more difference."

Gandalf whistled again and Fili and Kili walked in.

"Fili,"

"And Kili,"

"At your service!" I really wish they would stop being so adorably in sync.

"You two came pretty quick, where were you hiding?" Beorn said "Come on in. Now, do go on with the story." At this point in time Beorn was acting half like an adult and half like a child who wanted to hear about adventures and such.

So Gandalf continued with the story. "…and if it weren't for Jacklyn here, I would have been grabbed as well as the other seven-"

"Seven? I can only count five of you here." Beorn interrupted again.

"Ah yes, here are the other two," Balin and Dwalin walked in and bowed very low, so low that Beorn burst out laughing at the two of them.

"I do not want your service, just your names," Beorn chuckled.

"Balin and Dwalin," they said together.

"Now, continue the story,"

"Ah yes, I was not grabbed. I followed them down into the main hall, which was crowded with gamers. There were so many, I thought to myself 'what can nine do against so many of them?'."

"Nine? Can you not count? I only see seven of you here."

"Ah yes, we'll here they come now, Ori and Nori, I believe."

"Ok, ok, sit down and do go on with the tale."

So Gandalf went on telling the story up until the part where we were outside the cave and were missing Bilbo. "We counted only ten of us-"

"Ten? But there are nine of you here, that would mean that there is one more you have yet to introduce."

"Two more actually," Gandalf corrected "And here they are, Oin and Gloin." Oin and Gloin walked in and sat down. "Now, as I was saying…" he continued the story up until the point when we were stuck up in the trees and the gamers started singing (did I mention they sang? They did. It was horrible. That's probably why I didn't mention it.) "So they sung '15 birds'-"

"15? But there are only eleven of you here." Beorn (once again) interrupted.

"Ah, yes and here the others come," Gandalf smiled as Bifur, Bofur, Bombur and Dori walked in all at the same time. I suppose the last two didn't want to wait.  
"Ah, and since gamers can count, I suppose we can finish this story without further interruptions," Beorn stated.

So Gandalf finished the story (finally). At the end Beorn said "A good tale indeed. If all beggars came with stories like that, they would find me kinder. Although, you may be making it all up, but all the same with a story as brilliant as that, you deserve some food!"

Oh. My. Lord. _Food_.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15? Already? Wow, that went fast. And now as tradition, I shall shout out and thank all of those who reviewed, followed and favourited:**

**Luv2Dream1212  
Abyss Prime  
IceheartsChill**

hendriena.  
Guest

**Thank you.**

* * *

We were lead into a large, wooden hall where a long, low table was placed. Beorn whistled and three possums came down from the roof and lit a few torches, filling the hall with light. A few wombats rolled out some drum-shaped bits of logs for each of us to sit on, while Beorn sat at the head of a table on a very low stool. His legs spread out far underneath the lowered table, but I guess it was for the convenience of the animals that waited on him.

We feasted on bush fruits, nuts, bread and Anzac biscuits and oh so much vegemite toast. Believe it or not, it actually tastes good. The trick is not to get the layer if vegemite too thick otherwise it tastes too much like death. After dinner, blue heelers (Aussie cattle dog-a type of dog, for those of you who don't know that) brought out pavlova topped with berries and honey.

It was a feast to remember, but we all decided to get thoroughly drunk from the beer that was provided (except for Gandalf, Bilbo and of course Beorn) and fall asleep.

It was probably somewhere in the late morning when I woke up. I went back to sleep and finally decided to get up at 2 in the afternoon.

Kili threw a sandwich at my head when I walked onto the veranda, "About time you got up!"

"Yeah," Fili grinned "We thought you had pricked your finger on a spindle and that you were under a spell where your Prince Charming had to come and kiss you."

"I thought you had an inner-alarm that tells you to wake up at 5."

"Not when I get drunk," I replied.

"Should get you drunk more often," Bofur said cheerily "It looked like you hadn't had a good night's sleep in years."

"You slept like a baby," Thorin chuckled.

"So I woke up every hour or so, shit myself and woke you all up with my annoying and needy crying, get put back asleep after half an hour of coaxing and only to repeat the process twelve times during the night?" I retorted. A roar of laughter erupted on the veranda. I looked at the sandwich Kili had thrown at my head. I shrugged and bit into it. "What type of sandwich is this?"

"Peanut butter and jelly," Bilbo replied.

"Who puts jelly on a sandwich?"

"Actually it's jam,"

"Then why do they call it jelly?" I asked through a mouthful of sandwich.

"I-I don't actually know…" Bilbo said, thinking really hard.

"Gandalf would know," Fili put in.

"Where is the old man anyway?" Kili asked.

"And Beorn is no where in sight as well,"

"Oh, let the old men go about their business," I sighed "As long as we don't have to do anything, I'm fine with their absence."

Everyone agreed. The whole day was just kind of a lazy day. Except for Bilbo, who was still trying to get his head around how to make a vegemite sandwich that doesn't taste like death. He made around 20 until he got it right. Believe it or not (and I think you'll find it in you to believe it), Bilbo is really good at making sandwiches.

So we just kind of lounged around chatted about things, talked about stuff. Some of it was boring, some of it was interesting. I learnt a lot about the others that day.

Gloin had shown us a photo of his little son, Gimli, who in the photo, had a saucepan on his head and was pretending to fight monsters. He talked fondly of his wife, until his brother Oin had heard enough and begged someone to change the subject.

"Alrighty then," I smiled "Speaking of couples, Bilbo, how'd you and Thorin hook up?"

"Different subject please," Thorin said, but Bilbo interrupted him.

"_Well_," Bilbo giggled "It was around a year or so ago and I was playing an online game. It's like World of Warcraft, but less overrated. What's the word? Oh yes, MMORPG. So anyway, after defeating a huge boss with the help of these guys, we got talking and eventually we face chatted and soon after I flew down and moved in."

After seeing the look on my face, Thorin sighed. "Let it out,"

"ERMAGURD THAT'S ADORABLE!" I squealed, much to Thorin's annoyance.

Thorin decided to return the favour. "So how'd it work out with that Thomas guy? You liked him, didn't you?"

I blushed, "It was just a phase, I was just confused."

Dwalin choked on his drink that he was unfortunately taking at the time. I always seem to make people choke on whatever they eat, it happened a lot with my friends. Balin patted him on the back.

"Sorry, you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dwalin coughed. "I just-it's nothing."

"_Anyway_, so Nori, how's that criminal record going along?"

"Well, since you asked so nicely," Nori began "Two counts of robbery-"

"Not in front of Ori!" Dori scolded the middle child of the brothers.

"I'll tell you later." And so he did. It turns out that since the last time I saw him, he'd stolen three more cars, robbed two stores, stolen countless items and one home invasion, which he thought was a home invasion, but turned out to be his own apartment. I would have been surprised that he wasn't in jail but people have done worse and gotten off squat free. Apparently his lawyer was very good.

After that private conversation with Nori, Dwalin came up to me.

"You know lass," he said in a low voice "That thing you said earlier about being confused, it kinda reminded me of what my father said when I came out."

"That's the joke." I grinned.

"So you're…" he trailed off, actually being too polite to say it.

"Lesbian isn't like the word Volde- I mean He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named."

Dwalin chuckled. "Yeah, I should know that. Fili and Kili looked a little disappointed."

"They're cute, I'll admit that. You think I didn't see their feeble attempts at flirtation?"

"You're smart, and most definitely not blind. Well, I'll leave you to it lass."

It was around dinner when Gandalf came back. He would not talk until he had eaten, but I wasn't that eager to listen until after food as well. Beorn was still absent, but his animals waited on us, just like the night before. When supper was ended, Gandalf told us how he was picking out bear tracks and finding out the whereabouts of Beorn. Apparently he was headed to the mountain range according to Gandalf. He wasn't too sure, because at some point he had to stop and turn around.

I pondered a bit, thinking what Beorn was doing, because that's how you get your kicks when there's no internet connection, and then promptly fell asleep.


	16. Chapter 16

The next morning, we were awakened by Beorn himself.

"So you are still here!" He exclaimed cheerily. "Not eaten up by drop bears or dingoes I see! Come now, lets have some more food!"

That morning, Beorn was most certainly jollier than before. He told many jokes which even I hadn't heard of, and made me nearly choke a few times on my food. He told us where he had been without us having to ask. He had indeed gone to the mountains, to find out if our story was true, and was quite pleased to find out that it was.

"I also found out," he said through a mouth of damper "That they are still looking for you. They are very angry about their internet. But it serves 'em right."

"What happened to the gamer you got the information out of?" Bilbo asked.

Beorn showed us. Outside on a stick was the gamer's headset. He showed some form of restraint there, but the unfortunate dingo was turned into a fur pelt. After that, Gandalf told him the whole story and our purpose, so to get as much help as we could.

"I can provide you with ponies for the ride out of the bush and into Mirkwood. You must send them back at the edge of the city. It's a dangerous neighbourhood there, no good food there either. It is important that you stay on the path. There is but one McDonalds, the path will lead you to it. Whatever you do, do. Not. Eat. From. There. I hear it is very bad for your memory. Also, stay on the path. I can provide you with food and drinks that will last for weeks if you ration it out carefully. Also, stay. On. The. Path. I cannot stress that enough. The path, stay on it. You do not go off the path. The path is not something for you to go off. Don't go off the path. My house is open to you, if you come back this way again. And one more thing, don't leave the path."

"You said not to leave the path eight times," I mentioned.

"That's how important it is to st-"

"Stay on the path, yes, yes, I get it." That morning was spent packing and getting ready for the road ahead. Bilbo sighed.

"What's up, Bilbo?" I asked.

"I don't want to go on. It's so nice here. And at home. I moss my old apartment, my nephew. Even my gardener."

"A wise man once said," I replied "Home is behind you, the world is ahead."

"Doesn't make the journey any easier." Bilbo chucked.

"That is true." I picked up Soup. There wouldn't be much room for him in my bag because of all of the food. "Damn tortoises." I muttered.

"You could strap him to your head," Kili suggested.

"Use him as a helmet in case you fall off your pony," Fili added.

"While I do that, you two could knit me a sweater," I responded "For when hell freezes over."

"So you're gonna carry your tortoise all the way?" Fili asked.

"Does the Pope shit in his hat?"

"Err…no?"

"Although it would explain why they look so funny," Kili put in.

I sighed. "I've got a shopping bag to spare," Beorn offered. "You could put him in there."

"Thanks," I said, taking the offered bag and fitting Soup in there easily.

That afternoon, we said our goodbyes, mounted our ponies and left. As we headed north, the bush got less and less dense. By the end of the third day, we could just barely see the edge of the city just on the horizon. By the end of the fourth day, we were at the edge.

"Well," Gandalf said "Here is Mirkwood. Now, as promised, you must send back these lovely ponies you were so generously provided with. They'll find their own way back."

We sent the ponies off, but Gandalf remained mounted. "What about you?" I asked.

"I'm afraid that I must say that I am not going any further with you," he replied "It is no use arguing with me, I have other things to attend to. I wish you all the best of luck in your quest. Perhaps we shall see each other soon, but cheer up, the road is not a perilous as you think. Farewell!" He turned around and rode off, but not before shouting back: "And don't forget, stay on the path!"


	17. AN: Please read

**A/N:**

**Hey, sorry guys. I know this is unexpected and out of the blue, but I am going on a hiatus. What's a hiatus? Well, it's a break. It means that I'm not going to update for a while. How long? I don't know. I just need some time. There are other projects I have to focus on: school, my other stories, life ect. The term 3 holidays are coming up in a bit, so my estimate is 3-4 weeks.**

**I will still be updating my other works, just so you know, just not this one.**


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